The Actor and The Janitor 

HAHRY L. NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 

Dramatic Episodes 




ACTOR AND THE JANITOR. THE 

A Comic Novelty Act 
CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic 
CHATTER Monologue for Males 

COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Incident 

DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch 
FAMILY SECRET Monologue 

GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 

A Suffragette Monologue 
IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Talkfei 
IN A CABARET A Comedy Crossfire 

INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch 
IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode 

JACK AND HIS QUEEN, A A Comedietta 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 

Comedy Sketch 
MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama 

MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORF, 

THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval 

PAIR OF PANTS. A Talking Act 

ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama 

SALLIE AND SAMMIE A Comedy Skit 

SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD. THE Comedy 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE 

KNOWS Suffragette Monologue 



Price, 25 Cents Each 




\7> 



¥ 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, J 44- J 46 West 37th Street, New York 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," 

Or 
PERPETUAL MOTION. 
Sketch for 6 males. 
By Frank Dumont. 
A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric" 
inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
''TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN." 
Sketch for two females. 
By Frank Dumont. 
CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
Bella Sanders, i 

Estelle Williams, j ^^^^^^^ ^^^"^^ 

Two schoolmates meet, not having seen each other 
since leaving college. The talk over old times is very 
amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad 
points of other mates, although neither believed in 
"running down" their neighbors. While in college 
they had agreed never to marry without consulting the 
other, but time changes matters and they both fall in 
love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord 
jo these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a 
change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the 
tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of 
their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console 
each other by ridiculing the man's choice. 

Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in 
white or black face. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." 

A Modern Musical Burlesque. 

By Frank Dumont. 

Five Males — Two Females. 

There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding 
Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all 
others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. 
We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the 
book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. 
Any musical society can handle this version. Contains 
excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy 
lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

With complete piano score of original vocal and 
incidental numbers. 

We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra 
when desired. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



A COMIC NOVEVrv ACT 



By 

HARRY Iv. NEWTON 



Copyrisht MCMXIV by M. Witmark & Sons 
International copyright secured 



Published by 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, New York 



CHICAGO LONDON 



1%^ 



THE ACTOR AMD THE JANITOR 

Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
Theatrical Managers who zuish to produce 
it should apply. Amateur representation 
may be made zvithout siich application and 
without charge. 



THP96-0C7092 

r 
©CI.D 38029 



SEP -2 1914 



CHARACTERS. 

Andy Knitt — A \'andeville Actor. 
MusHMOUTH— Janitor in a 10c. Theatre. 
Scene — A 10c. Theatre during a performance. 

Characters. & Costumes. 

Knitt — Wears a white flannel suit and straw- 
hat. 

Mush MOUTH — Wears striped overalls and 
jumper. 

Note — While the part of Mushinouth is written 
for Blackface character, it can be played in 
any dialect at option of performer. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

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AUDIUNCE. 

L. I E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I E. — Right first entrance. 
E. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C, — Left centre of stage. 

C. D.— Centre door. 

D. R. C. — Door right centre. 

D. L. C. — Door left centre. 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 

A Comedy Novelty Act 
By Harry L. Newton. 



[Knitt enters at rise, advances to Center and 
sings a verse of some lively song. As he goes into 
chorus, Mushmouth enters from front of theatic 
and walks down center aisle. He has a broom in 
his hands and busies himself picking up scraps of 
paper, etc., all the while singing some popular song. 
Knitt tries to go on with his song, but finally gives 
up in disgust.] 

Knitt— (To Mushmouth.) Say, what's the 
idea. I'm talking to you. 

M us H MOUTH — H ey ? 

Knitt — You're trying to crab my act. 

Mushmouth — Am I? 

Knitt — You certainly are. Now stop that and 
let me do my act. 

Mushmouth — Are you goin' to do a act? 

Knitt — I am. I am an actor. Wouldn't you 
like to be an actor? 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



Mush MOUTH — Yes — wouldn't you ? 

Knitt— That'll do you. I want you to under- 
stand that T clean up in every theatre I play in. 

Mush MOUTH — Oh, you ain't got so much on me. 
1 "clean up" this theatre every day. 

Knitt — Say, do you know what I think of you? 

Mush MOUTH — No. ' But if you think what T 
think you think, I dare you to say it. 

Knitt — I want to know why you hegan to clean 
up right in the middle of my act. 

MusHMOUTH — Say, boss, that's easy. I always 
do my cleanin' when a rotten act comes on. 

Knitt — Oh, I'm a rotten act, am I? 

MuSHMOUTH — Sure. You ain't no actor. 

Knitt — How do you make that out? 

Mush MOUTH — You ain't got no dog. 

Knitt — Well, I've got an alibi. I had a 
dog a few days ago. I had a bulldog, if you must 
know. I paid $2,000 for him. 

Mush MOUTH — How much ? 

Knitt — Three thousand dollars. 

Mush MOUTH — I guess I heard you the hrst time. 

Knitt — I had this bulldog just three days when 
T was offered $5,000 for him. Yesterday I sold him 
for $6,000. 

MusHMouTH — Gosh, but that's some bull! 

Knitt — Now that's quite enough from you. You 
take my gentle tip and permit me to go on with 
my act. 

Mush MOUTH — Have you-all got your act with 
you ? 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



Knitt — I have, and it's a mighty good act, too. 

Mush MOUTH — Say, are you trying to kid me or 
show me a good time? 

Knitt — Furthermore, you black mutt, I am en- 
gaged for a Belasco production next season. 
(Mushmouth laughs heartily.) Well, what are you 
laughing at? 

Mushmouth — I was jes' wonderin' what Belasco 
will say when he finds it out. 

Knitt — Say, you're pretty funny yourself. What 
do you want to be a janitor for? 

Mushmouth — Gosh, I git paid for this — good 
money too. 

Knitt — (Laughs.) Good money? 

Mushmouth — Sure. It ain't so very much 
money, but it's good. 

Knitt — Well, I'll say this much. If I didn't 
have any more brains than you, I'd put a gun to 
my head. 

Mushmouth — And if I didn't have no more 
brains than you, Fd pull the trigger. 

Knitt — Well, let me tell you right back, it takes 
brains to be up here on the stage. 

Mushmouth — I took lessons for two years one 
year. 

Knitt — Oh, you did, eh? What were you 
studying? 

Mushmouth — I don't know, but my teacher told 
me that if I took lessons three years more the next 
year, Fd make a good piano mover. 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



Knitt — T believe you. You don't know the first 
rudiments of music. Do you? No. I knew you 
didn't. In the first place, there is the scale. Do 
you know what a scale is? 

Mush MOUTH — Sure. A scale is a fish's steering 
gear. 

Knitt — Nonsense. Now a scale of music con- 
sists of eight notes. Do, ra, mi, fa, sol. la, se, do, 
See? Do on the bottom and do on the top. 

Mush MOUTH — Dough on the bottom and dough 
on the top ain't music. 

Knitt — Oh, is that so. Then what is it? 

Mush mouth — Pie. 

Knitt — Now just for that you come up here on 
the stage. You're too bright to be a janitor. 

Mushmouth — I'll come under one condition. I 
jes' got to sing. 

Knitt — You're on ; come on. 

Miishrnouth goes on stage and together they sing 
a song. 

Knitt (After song) — Are you still paying at- 
tention to that yellow gal I saw you with the other 
day? 

Mushmouth — No. I ain't paying attention to 
her anymore. 

Knitt — Why not? 

Mushmouth — 'Cause I married her. 

Knitt — And when did you marry her? 

Mushmouth — Sometime last evcnin'. 

Knitt — And do you love your wife? 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 8 



MusHMOUTH — T don't know. I ain't been home 
since mornin'. 

Knitt — Did you know that I am to be married 
shortly ? 

MuSHMOUTH — No. Is you ? 

Knitt — 1 surely am. The young lady I am to 
marry has so much money she doesn't know how to 
spend it. 

Mush MOUTH— Oh, you'll show her all right. 

Knitt — See here. I'm not marrying this young 
woman for money. 

Mush MOUTH — Then what are you marrying her 
for — exercise ? 

Knitt — No, sir, Fm marrying her because I love 
her. And I'd love her if she didn't have a cent in 
the world or a stitch to her back. 

Mush MOUTH — Yes, I reckon you'd like her 
better. 

Knitt — Oh, there's no use talking to you. You 
take everything vice versa from the way I mean it. 

Mushmouth — Vice versa? 

Knitt — That's what I said, "vice versa." You 
don't even know the meaning of a simple term like 
that, do you? 

Mushmouth — Do you know what it means? 

Knitt — I certainly do. 

Mushmouth — Then what do you ask me fo'? 

Knitt— Oh, you're impossible. I'll tell you what 
"vice versa" means. When anyone says "vice 
versa," they mean just the opposite of what they 
have said. 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



MusHMOUTH — Oh, just the opposite? 

Knitt — Exactly. Just the opposite. 

Mush MOUTH — That's why I lost my last job. 

Knitt — What do you mean? 

MusHMOUTH — The man I was working fo' 
kicked me so hard I couldn't eat my meals for a 
week. 

Knitt — Where did he kick you? In the 
stomach ? 

MusHMOUTH — No. In the vice versa. 

Knitt — That's enough. I can see that a life on 
the stage is not at all best suited to you. I think 
I have a job for you all right, all right. My brother 
John is going to open a butcher shop. 

MusHMOUTH — My brother Alexander opened a 
butcher shop once — twelve o'clock at night. 

Knitt — That was a queer time to. open a butcher 
shop. 

MusHMOUTH — Yes, dat's what de judge said. 

Knitt — Is he in business yet? 

A'lusH MOUTH — No. he's in jail yet. 

Knitt — Oh, well, we're all liable to make mis- 
takes. 

MusH MOUTH — My brother Alexander done took 
de steaks too. 

Knitt — Well, it's too bad. How much time was 
he given? 

Mush MOUTH — He w^asn't given any. The dern 
policeman was too quick fo' him. 



THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 10 



Knitt — It will probably teach him a lesson. 
When he gets out he will probably start all over 
again. 

Mush MOUTH — Yes, dat's jes' what Alexander 
said. He says de next time he ''starts" anythin', 
he won't get caught. 

Knitt — \\'cll, that'll do a plenty about your 
brother Alexander. I haven't the least use for 
anyone with bad ways. 

MusHMOUTH — Well, my brother Alexander says 
de butcher had "bad weighs'' too ; he was always 
short in his ways. 

Knitt — No, no ; I meant to say that your 
brother had been weighed and found wanting. 

MusHMOUTH — Sure, I understand; jes' like 
when dat butcher weighed meat. 

Knitt — [Laughs.) Well, after all, you're not 
such a rummie as you look. I'm sure my brother 
w^ill like you and that his butcher shop will prove 
a good opening for you. 

MusHMOUTH — My brother Alexander thought 
jes' like that, too. 

Knitt — And as for work — pooh, that'll be a mere 
trifle! It will be so easy, in fact, that my brother 
will be ashamed to look at you when he hands you 
your money Saturday night. 

MusHMOUTH— Then maybe I'd better take 
money when your brother wasn't lookin' all de rest 
of de week. 



11 THE ACTOR AND THE JANITOR 



Knitt— No, no ; you mustn't do that. As 1 said 
before, the work is nothing. For instance, you 
arise at two a. m. 

Mush MOUTH — And what time do 1 gets to bed? 

Knitt — Oh, about twelve, I believe. That will 
give you two hours of sleep. Just think of it. Two 
hours of sound, refreshing sleep. 

Mush MOUTH — Do yo' think your brother can 
spare me dat long? 

Knitt— Oh, yes. You see you are working in a 
butcher shop, and an hour or two can be easily 
cut. A little joke, eh? Now upon arising you re- 
pair immediately to the back yard and pick some 
chickens. 

MusHMouTH — Whose back yard? 

Knitt — Why, my brother's, of course. 

MusHMOUTH — Oh! Let me ask yo'. Is dem 
chickens, wild chickens? 

Knitt — No ; absolutely tame. 

Mush MOUTH — Then why sneak on them in de 
night time? 

Knitt — That'll do. Let me ask you something. 
Did you ever pick a chicken? 

Mush MOUTH — Lots of 'em. 

Knitt — Good. Then you know exactly how it's 
done. 

Mush MOUTH — Oh, absolutely. 

Knitt — Suppose you illustrate how you would 
pick a chicken. 

MusHMOUTH — {Straightens tie, hat, etc., then 
walks a few steps, stops, smiles and takes off hat 



THE ACT(3R AND THE JANITOR 12 



and bows.) Ah, there, little one; which way am 
you-all goin' dis merry evenin' ? 

Knitt — {Angrily.) (3h, that's the positive limit. 
You're going up and addressing some lady on the 
street. 

]\IusH MOUTH — Well, I thought dat was de kind 
of a chicken yo' meant. 

Knitt — No, no ; nothing like it. Now listen, 
ril be a lady coming into the butcher shop for 
some meat. You are back of the counter ready 
to wait on customers. I'm going to see if you have 
any conception of what to do about a butcher shop. 
Now I'm Mrs. Jones, a good customer. (Walks 
away a few steps, then returns, imitating the 
mincing steps of a woman.) Ah, good morning, 
butcher. Fine morning, isn't it? How are your 
kidneys this morning? 

MusHMOUTH — How are my kidneys? 

Knitt — Certainly, your kidneys. How are your 
kidneys ? 

MusHMOUTH — Fine. How are yours? 

Knitt — {Angrily.) Oh, it's no use; positively 
no use. I want to tell you here and now that your 
family has my sincere sympathy. And I feel 
especially sorry for your poor mother. How many 
children did your mother have? 

Mush MOUTH— Five. 

Knitt — Five altogether, eh? 

MusHMOUTH — No. One at a time. 
CURTAIN. 



PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 



'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." 

A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. 
By Gordon Rogers. 

A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he 
and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom 
he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very 
night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by 
apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but 
who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at 
a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance 
upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs 
to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only 
daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome 
stranger. 

While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father 
dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to 
her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For 
all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just 
as the much-wronged man is about to put his threat 
into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the 
son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to 
save his life. 

A powerful dramatic story, most effectively told, and 
affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong 
character study and of an attractive juvenile part. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE REHEARSAL." 

A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. 
By Effie W. Merriam. 
In this most amusing playlet the participants mingle 
with the audience, thus making the entertainment ap- 
pear to be entirely extemporaneous. Neither stage, 
scenery nor special costumes are needed to make it 
effective; in fact "The Rehearsal" may be acceptably 
given either in the parlor or on the porch or lawn, 
and is so arranged that very little memorizing is neces- 
sary — a great point in its favor, especially when but 
little time can be given to preparation. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, 



DRAMATIC SKETCHES. 

''THE LAST OF THE CARGILLS." 
A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male and 1 Female. 

A beautiful story, full of sentiment and refined humor 
of the Southland. An excellent opportunity for a wo- 
man who can portray the old time southern ''mammy," 
and for a man who can depict the old southern lover. 
A character full of dignity and pathos. 

The scene shows the dining-room in an old southern 
mansion on Christmas day. Outside the snow is falling, 
inside all is bright and cheerful. George Cargill has the 
Christmas dinner table laid with covers for all his lost 
loves, and his best friend; although he alone sits at 
the board. In a reminiscent mood he recalls all the 
qualities, good and bad, of his one time sweethearts 
and of his best friend, and speaks as though they were 
present. 

Finally when "Old Mammy" brings in the turkey she 
finds that "the last of the Cargills," has gone to join 
those he loved, in the great beyond. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"JOHN CLAYTON, ACTOR!" 
A Play in One Act for 2 Males and 1 Female. 

This little play might well be called " a modern Gar- 
rick," and closely follows the general theme of Gar- 
rick, although it is entirely different. 

Louise Warren has worshipped at the shrine of John 
Clayton, a successful actor, and has attended all of his 
performances, to the consternation and dismay of her 
relatives and friends. 

Finally her father. Colonel Warren, a typical southern 
gentleman of the old school, calls on Clayton to per- 
suade him to leave the country or in some way to 
break off the infatuation of his daughter. Louise learns 
of this visit of her father and also calls at Clayton's 
rooms to warn him as she fears her father may do 
him some harm. Clayton promises to disillusion Louise 
and assumes the disguise of Clayton's servant, and after 
hiding Colonel Warren, admits Louise to whom he 
paints Clayton as the most lewd villain. 

Finally Colonel Warren appreciates the sterling qual- 
ities of Clapton, and the sacrifice he is making, enters 
the room and tells Louise, Clayton is only acting, and 
is in reality all she had imagined him to be — her ideal. 

He consents to their union, and all ends felicitously. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



COMIC TRAVESTIES 

"DOCTOR LOW-RENTS (LORENTZ) SURGERY/* 

THE CO-RE-IN TWINS. 
Farce by Frank Dumont 

4 Male Characters. 
An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white 
or black face. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"THE MANHATTAN CLUB." 
A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Male Quartette, Intro- 
ducing the Song, "Bill of Fare." 
By J. Bodewalt Lampe. 
A refined sketch for male characters. Clean, bright 
and novel. Just the thing for a singing comedy four. 
Humorous dialog in which two selected songs can be 
introduced in addition to the song, ''Bill of Fare," 
which accompanies the sketch. 

Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

"THE STAGE-STRUCK BOARDING HOUSE." 

Burlesque in One Scene. 

By Frank Dumont. 

4 Males — 2 Females. 

A depiction of a stage-struck boarding house with 

the consequential amusing outcome of such a state of 

affairs. The experience of Mr. Somerset, who has been 

invited to come down for a visit, with the assurance 

that he'll have a pleasant time, is very interesting. — 

George gets more than he expected. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"GIVE AND TAKE." 
"Hat" Dialog for Two Comedians. 
By Frank Dumont. 
The second series of "Get-Backs." Quick, snappy 
work for two funny men; an up-to-date, novel and 
interesting act for the olio or second part of a minstrel 
entertainment. Can also be used in any other per- 
formance. Sure to please. A laugh in every speech. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
''AUTOMOBILE CRAZY." 
! Burlesque in One Scene. 

By Frank Dumont. 
7 Males — 1 Female. 
A successful, up-to-date burlesque, which calls for 
vigorous action all around. It is always received with 
tumultuous applause. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"The DIALECT COMEDIAN." 

By Frank Dumont. 

This is a work that has been much called for. Bits 
of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and 
gags as they should be told. The little book will assist 
you greatly. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." 
Sketch by Frank Dumont. 
Four Male Characters. 
Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious 
hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- 
of-all-work. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"McWADE'S PLATOON." 
Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. 
FINALE FOR FIRST PART. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving 
splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs 
and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale 
or number for the olio. Something new. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"WHEN WOMEN RULE US." 
Burlesque and Court House Scene. 
By Frank Dumont, 
Twenty Characters. 
This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein 
all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- 
bands being represented by the ladies also. 

This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- 
tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and 
fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating 
the gentle sex in mannerisms. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"MY NEW TYPEWRITER." 

Sketch by Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Fine A. Silk, a busy agent 

Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, 

old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter 

A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. 
Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- 
acter parts. In this sketch the female character is 
obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead 
up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty 
of work for the male character — always busy. "My 
New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The 
theme is carefully worked out. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



THE VERY Li library of congress 
^LAYS, MONOLOGUES, 5 

BY 

HARRY L, N 00159100546 




"A Rose of Mexico" 

A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexican Life. 

An Original Dramatic Playlet for one Male and 
one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico 

The story is of Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently 
returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, 
a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- 
sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry 
him, 

**A Pair of Pants" 

A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. 
This act for straight man and comedian vyho 
wants his three dollars, while the other wants his 
pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- 
py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. 

*'A Jack and His Queen" 

Comedietta in one act for two Males and one Female. 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from 
an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle 
down by marrying his fiancee. Flora Mason. Flora 
pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- 
tie Twinklctoes," a dancer, is to call. 

Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Totlie. Flora keeps up the deception and 
some very smart dialogue ensues. 

"An Invitation to the BalU' 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 
Plenty of work .nnd good comedy for Mose John- 
son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdscll. the daugh- 
ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- 
tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. 

"Chatter" 

A Monologue for Males. 
This is a brisk and breezy up-to-date monologue 
for h'ght or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- 
ical lines which reach the apex of wit. Used with 
great success by professional entertainers. 

"Down in Paradise Alley" 

An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. 
Tells a delightful story of a young college gradu- 
ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connellra lit- 
tle East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alie>', 
New York. A charming little playlet in which com- 
edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- 
ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- 
lion of the performers. 

"Family Secrets" 

A Monologue for Rube Girl. 
This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- 
onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- 
scription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 



'Izzy's Vacation' 



A summer episode in two scenes. 

This IS a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians 
and lady who can play pert young miss. 

Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in 
the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed 
her 

"Keep Your Eye ooHhe Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 

For a clever Irish comedian and leading 
woman Madame Blavatsky, fortune teller, has 
money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The 
con.plications that follow must be read to be appre- 
ciated. 

"Meet My Wife" 

A Comedy Sketch for two Miles and one Female. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may 
not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- 
out his wife's permission. With the arrival ot a 
friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- 
cumvent his wife and eventually becomes piaster in 
his own house. 

*The Spirit of Captain Kidd" 

A \'audeville Playlet in two scenes. 

Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy 
McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular 
rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- 
torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. 

This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two 
scenes. It is one long scream from start to finish. 

"Two Girls and Him" 

A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and 
one Male. 

TTierc is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves 
stranded. Timothy McDuff hears of their sad plight 
and bpcnds his earnings to pay their way to the city 

"What Every Woman Thinks She Snows' 

A Suffragette Monologue. 

This monologue on the suffragette question is a 
scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat- 
ter" could not well be imagined. There is a dash of 
brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. 



ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

86 WITMARK BUILDING 



New York 



